i haven't been on in a while, reason being that i "thought" i was finally getting past this. that's a laugh isn't it...that i would ever be ok again. with the one year anniversary coming up, i've felt myself slipping into such a sadness that cannot be described. the last month or so, i have had the weirdest dreams about her. i dream regularly that she is still alive, and those dreams i like, and i wake up with a sense of peace...but the others...sometimes i have horrible dreams about her dying again, or coming back to life, but only for a little while until she is ripped from me again. i realize, even in the dream state, that it's not real, like i'm watching a movie, and i wake up, not with a sense of fear or panic, but the most overwhelming sadness that you could possibly imagine. i while back i wrote that it felt as if a 300 lb. man was sitting on my chest, and he never went away. i finally had some relief when all of a sudden one day, the man was gone, and i thought i had finally reached a point of healing. in the last month, the man has returned, only this time he's heavier. i've kept myself busy most of the time recently to try to avoid what's going on in my head and my heart, but it's catching up to me, and sometimes i'm not sure i will make it. it's by the grace of god that i've made it this far, and i know that his grace is still with me, but i am emotionally, mentally and physically spent, and i don't know if i have the energy to go another round with the pain and heartache. i just want my baby back. i know that's an obvious request, but if you think of something that you've wanted or needed the most, and multiply the want or need by a 1,000,000, you still wouldn't be close to how badly i want my daughter back. sometimes it hurts so bad, physically hurts, that it feels like my heart is literally going to explode, and i will drop dead on the spot if something isn't done. everyday ashton acts and looks more like her. not so much his facial features as the expressions that he makes, or the way he pronounces a certain word that sounds just like her. on most days it thrills me that he has so much of her in him, so that i can remember that i still have a piece of her with me, but lately when i look at him, i just want to cry. i love him so much, and i don't feel that i push him away. in fact, if anything, i cling to him tighter, but still there are days when i just want to be left alone and cry for as long as the tears will come, but that's not what moms do. moms are there 24/7 whether they're happy or sad, crying or laughing, hurting or heartbroken. i would never complain about being ashton's mother. he is the only reason i have made it this far, and i love him more than words can say. i love her too, though, and she's gone, and there is nothing that anybody can do to fix it, not ashton, mark, mom, anybody. my baby's gone, and she's never coming back. my heart is broken, and it will never heal. i am so indescribably sad, and i fear that i will never be truly happy again.

definition of sadness...

the last couple of days, i've felt it coming on...the sadness, grief, all that fun stuff that you get little breaks from every now and then. well, my break is over. only this time it feels as if it just happened yesterday. and on the other hand, it seems she's been gone for so long. i'm so frazzled right now that i can barely type, and i don't know what to do to fix it. i took all the pictures down and got all of her clothes and a few dolls out of the closet and laid it all out in the living room so i could look at her and look at who she was before i let this horrible thing happen to this sweet little girl. how could i have let something like this happen? how could i let one of the most beautiful things that god ever created be taken from us? i feel like i have betrayed her, her brother, my husband, myself, and i feel like i've betrayed god...he gave me two of the sweetest most precious little people ever, and all he asked was that i take care of them and raise them well and love them with my whole heart. and i couldn't pull it off. i let that beautiful little girl die a scary lonely death while she was probably screaming for me, and i couldn't hear her. and in her poor little head she didn't understand why mommy didn't come and save her. why didn't mommy wanna save me? i worry so much that she thought i didn't llove her enough, when in all actuallity, i loved her more than anything. i don't know what to do without her. i'm lost. i miss her so much. i'm sitting here going through pictures, and in most of them i'm holding ashton and my husband is holding her. i have found very few that are just me and her, and it hurts my heart so bad to think that she could've thought i didn't love her, or that ashton was my "favorite". i love her so much it hurts. sometimes it's hard to breath; sometimes it's hard to think rationally; and sometimes it's a job just to be alive. some of her clothes still smell like her, and i can remember where we were the day she wore specific outfits, and i try to remember...was i good to her that day? did i tell her i loved her? did i scold her for anything when she wore this little dress? did she cuddle me and love on me and giggle and be silly in that t-shirt? it gets harder and harder to remember all the little details that made her so wonderful and sweet and special. i try to hear her laughing, and sometimes i can, sometimes i can't. i try to hear her talking and singing or even crying and throwing a fit, and sometimes i can, sometimes i can't. i just miss her. i wanna touch her and hug her and kiss her and cuddle her, but i can't. and it seems that it would get a little easier, but it hasn't. it just drags on and on and on with the crying and anger and sadness and everything else that goes with it. and i've tried to just accept this as my life now, but i'm not sure i can b/c when you get right down to it, i want my baby back, and i'm not gonna get her back, and i'm not sure that i can accept that fate for myself, even though i know it's the truth. i just need someone to please tell me what to do to be ok again. i just want to be ok. i want my pootie, and i want us to have fun again, and i want us to be ok.

zeaui and bella

i've never really been a big animal lover, but i've had my share of dogs. it never works out though, and we end up giving them away. well when my zeaui passed away 6 months ago, i was looking for anything to make me feel better, and a friend of mine who breeds dogs said she just had puppies, and we could have one. i got very excited, not to replace my daughter with a dog, of course, but to have something to cuddle with and love on and give me a few smiles. well, when it came time to take the puppy, i saw that she had a brother that looked just like her...twins. i couldn't resist taking both of them for sentimental reasons. i know it may not sound healthy to some for me to get twin dogs b/c i no longer have twin babies, but when you lose a child, there is no telling what straws you will grasp at just to hold on to your sanity. i named them bella and baldwin. well, yesterday, bella got run over right in front of our house. the people didn't even stop even though we were all outside...they just kept going. what made it harder was that she didn't die immediately, so she had to suffer for about 30 minutes before she finally passed. we tried to call the vet and their personal number, but couldn't get a hold of anyone, so mark was going to do it himself. i couldn't stand the thought of him doing it, but i really couldn't stand letting her lie in the garage suffering. by the time he got the stuff ready to do it, she had passed on her own. i'm sad that she's gone...even sadder that she suffered, but thankful that mark didn't have to "take her to the country". micah said it best when she said, "it's just like adding insult to injury". it would still be sad had i not lost my zeaui, but given the situation, bella held a very special place in my heart. she was given to me as a gift in hopes that she would bring some joy in my life when everything else is so horribly wrong, and now she's gone. we buried her on mark's dad's land last night. ashton doesn't really understand, but even he notices how sad baldwin is without her. he says, "mommy, he cwyin'. whas wong? mommy, he cwyin'". i miss my bella, and even more, i miss my zeaui.