there are no other words for what i'm feeling right now...i just want my baby back! i don't know what to do about this horrible, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach to fix this and make it right, and then the realization, once again, that there is absolutely nothing i can do about it...nothing! how could i have been so stupid to have let that beautiful little girl be taken from me? am i really that horrible of a mother, that one of the two most precious little people who trusted me the most has been taken from me, and i can never have her back? is this my punishment for not being good enough? logic tells me that it's not my fault, and this is not God's way of saying, "maybe that will teach you". i know in my head that it was just an accident, and accidents happen every day, but my heart doesn't want to hear it. my heart wants nothing to do with logic or rationality. my heart only deals in sadness, grief, pain and anger...and logic plays no part in it. i miss her so much that my heart literally hurts...it hurts!!! the only way to describe the pain of losing my precious baby is to say that it feels like a 350 pound man is sitting on my chest. it's a physical pain, but not. my airways are not constricted, yet it's a struggle to breath. there is nothing physically wrong with my heart, still i feel that it may explode at any given second. she is the first thought in my head when i wake up, and the memories of that day are what keep me awake at night. it isn't enough that she's not here with me anymore, no...i have to relive it in my head every single day all day what my baby must have gone through while waiting for her mommy to come save her. it is unbearable to think of her calling, no, screaming for me to come for her, fighting for her life with no one to help her. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry!!!!!!! i miss her so much, i can't stand it. and every day, i wake up, again, to the heart-stopping realization that she's gone, and i'm still here without her. i loved her so much. i never knew that my heart could have so much love for somebody until i laid eyes on those two sweet babies. and i never knew that my heart could hurt so badly until one of them was taken away. some days it just seems it would be easier to stay in bed for the rest of my life, and whatever happens happens, but i know i can't do that, b/c i have another precious little boy who trusts me and depends on me, and i refuse to ever let him feel like i'm not there for him or that he can't trust me...i refuse! those babies are the loves of my life, and i just don't know what to do without my other 1/3. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her...i miss my baby! i want my baby back, please, i want my baby back!
