there are no other words for what i'm feeling right now...i just want my baby back! i don't know what to do about this horrible, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach to fix this and make it right, and then the realization, once again, that there is absolutely nothing i can do about it...nothing! how could i have been so stupid to have let that beautiful little girl be taken from me? am i really that horrible of a mother, that one of the two most precious little people who trusted me the most has been taken from me, and i can never have her back? is this my punishment for not being good enough? logic tells me that it's not my fault, and this is not God's way of saying, "maybe that will teach you". i know in my head that it was just an accident, and accidents happen every day, but my heart doesn't want to hear it. my heart wants nothing to do with logic or rationality. my heart only deals in sadness, grief, pain and anger...and logic plays no part in it. i miss her so much that my heart literally hurts...it hurts!!! the only way to describe the pain of losing my precious baby is to say that it feels like a 350 pound man is sitting on my chest. it's a physical pain, but not. my airways are not constricted, yet it's a struggle to breath. there is nothing physically wrong with my heart, still i feel that it may explode at any given second. she is the first thought in my head when i wake up, and the memories of that day are what keep me awake at night. it isn't enough that she's not here with me anymore, no...i have to relive it in my head every single day all day what my baby must have gone through while waiting for her mommy to come save her. it is unbearable to think of her calling, no, screaming for me to come for her, fighting for her life with no one to help her. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry!!!!!!! i miss her so much, i can't stand it. and every day, i wake up, again, to the heart-stopping realization that she's gone, and i'm still here without her. i loved her so much. i never knew that my heart could have so much love for somebody until i laid eyes on those two sweet babies. and i never knew that my heart could hurt so badly until one of them was taken away. some days it just seems it would be easier to stay in bed for the rest of my life, and whatever happens happens, but i know i can't do that, b/c i have another precious little boy who trusts me and depends on me, and i refuse to ever let him feel like i'm not there for him or that he can't trust me...i refuse! those babies are the loves of my life, and i just don't know what to do without my other 1/3. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her...i miss my baby! i want my baby back, please, i want my baby back!
8 comments:
Melissa, I know that nothing I can say will make you feel less pain now, but someone once told me "Just remember in the dark what you knew to be truth in the light" You loved your baby with all of your heart and she knew it..and Jesus was there with her, He immediately carried her home. My aunt lost her son about 2 years ago to a work related accident and recently she said that somehow the days just become more bearable as time goes by. God promises us that He won't give us more than we can handle, you WILL get through this if you keep your eyes on Jesus through it all. Love you girl
Melissa~
Nothing will ever make your pain go away, but thank God for the awesome memories that you do have from the 2 1/2 years you were able to spend with Zeaui. I know those years are no where near long enough and it still hurts. But, including me, we all have to remember the great stories that will always keep her alive in our souls. I love you, and wish there were some way I could relieve you of the pain that you go through every day. Remember to hug and kiss Ashton so he knows what a blessing he is you, Mark, and everyone else that feels the pain of not having Zeaui.
~Heidi
Melissa,
Having just lost your Uncle Doc, I am feeling some of your pain. I explained it to someone the same way, "my heart just hurts". I want to always miss him. When I stop missing him, I feel like I will forget him. I love you and want you to know, in a small way, I am feeling your pain. Losing a child to me is probably harder than a sibling, but loss is always painful. Like you, though I have some good memories cuz he and your grandmother were here visiting the week before in Colorado. It helps my heart a little bit to know that I shared something special before he was taken from us unexpectedly. Thinking of you and wish I could ease your pain for just a day! Aunt Dana
i somehow came across you. i dont know what to say im crying for you i wish i could do something magic to release the pressure i dont think ill ever forget you now,im so sorry,kiss that little boy hold him tight,shes watching over you i know this somehow all my love....and tears
Much love for you. Give me a call when you feel up to it.
J
Your baby Zeaui looks a lot like my baby Ashlyn, we even have the same dress that Zeaui is wearing in this picture. It breaks my heart that you and your sweet baby had to go through this, I think about you every day.
- Adrienne (Mrs Hatch from Cafemom)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a son who is 15 months and I am scared everyday that I will lose him. Just remember that you still have Ashton. I know you just want to lay in bed and let the pain swallow you up but you can't do that. Ashton depends on you. May God and Zeaui be with you. She is with you everyday, watching you and telling you not to cry.
Love,
~Manda~ (Daemonsmommy on Cafemom)
Melissa, there are days when I get so down. I feel like I will never have the chance to be a mommy. I lie awake at night thinking about you and Zeaui. I know that you are feeling like you have let her down. Melissa you never let her down. Things happen beyond our control....I feel it is all my fault that I can't provide my well deserving husband a child. God has the answers we don't. I question God and I know in your situation you must at times too. We both need to realize that God is in control and he has the most wonderful reasons for the disappointing to happen. There are reasons good people have to suffer. It isn't that you were a horrible person or mother or daughter.....it has nothing to do with who you are. God had a plan that we weren't ready for. Melissa, your a great person, a loving mother, and a wonderful friend. Just keep your head up...remember it's easy to just give up and get depressed.....it shows great strength and faith to keep your eyes up and to the Lord. I know you are a strong girl with a big heart. Just keep it that way and let Zeaui know her mommy is doing ok.
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