people never could understand how i could handle 2 kids at one time, and the answer is this...it was actually easier!!! i don't know how to be just ashton's mommy. they kept each other entertained, and now that he doesn't have that, it seems like he is more irritable and cranky. i take him to the park and play with him and have our usual q.t., but it just never feels like enough. i feel like a horrible mother b/c i can't fix everything for him. i can play with him and be silly and all that, but i'm not 2 years old...it's not the same. it just seems like no matter what i do, it's not good enough. i don't really know what i could do differently, but this isn't working. i know he has a rough time with things too, and i just don't know how i can make it better for him when i am such a mess myself. i'm pretty sure he hates me for not saving his best friend and sister, and i don't know how to regain his trust and love. i wish i could make his world perfect again!!!
on another note...mark and i are doing fine. we have our arguments and fights, but for all we've been through, i think we are doing exceptionally well. he handles things by working constantly, and i handle them by talking and typing usually, and then some days, i just feel like having a breakdown. those days are the hardest b/c mark feels like i need my space, but what i want is for him to be sad with me so we can comfort each other. we finally talked about it, and i think he understands now that i need him, not my space. one day, after running some nosy people out of the cemetery, i came home drank a couple of glasses of wine, went to the back yard and sat on the deck in the rain with my feet hanging over the side where the pool use to be. it was raining so hard that i actually got cold, but it felt so good to sit in that spot with the rain washing over me and just cry! it sounds so cheesey, but that day, i felt like the rain actually washed away some of the pain. that was the first time i had actually been in the back yard since all of this happened, and after sitting in that spot letting the tears come and the rain wash them away, i felt a sort of peace with my back yard. i know that sounds silly, but my back yard and i haven't been on good terms in a while, and it's an important part of our home, and ashton's favorite place to play, and it holds so many good memories of better times. i miss the joy that our back yard use to hold. after my little breakdown in the rain, i felt like i could finally let that part of all of this go, and a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and i felt somewhat peaceful for the first time in a while. as i was sitting out there in the rain, mark came out to check on me (he let me sit alone for a while), and he put his arms around me from behind and just hugged me. we sat out there together until it quit raining, and finally he said, "honey, i'm getting ate up with these mosquitos, why don't we go in the house". and i said "ok", and for the first time since this whole thing happened, i really did feel "ok" about walking away. he helped me up and hugged me, and we went in the house together, and for the first time in this whole mess, i didn't feel alone, even if for that one second, i wasn't alone.
