definition of sadness...

the last couple of days, i've felt it coming on...the sadness, grief, all that fun stuff that you get little breaks from every now and then. well, my break is over. only this time it feels as if it just happened yesterday. and on the other hand, it seems she's been gone for so long. i'm so frazzled right now that i can barely type, and i don't know what to do to fix it. i took all the pictures down and got all of her clothes and a few dolls out of the closet and laid it all out in the living room so i could look at her and look at who she was before i let this horrible thing happen to this sweet little girl. how could i have let something like this happen? how could i let one of the most beautiful things that god ever created be taken from us? i feel like i have betrayed her, her brother, my husband, myself, and i feel like i've betrayed god...he gave me two of the sweetest most precious little people ever, and all he asked was that i take care of them and raise them well and love them with my whole heart. and i couldn't pull it off. i let that beautiful little girl die a scary lonely death while she was probably screaming for me, and i couldn't hear her. and in her poor little head she didn't understand why mommy didn't come and save her. why didn't mommy wanna save me? i worry so much that she thought i didn't llove her enough, when in all actuallity, i loved her more than anything. i don't know what to do without her. i'm lost. i miss her so much. i'm sitting here going through pictures, and in most of them i'm holding ashton and my husband is holding her. i have found very few that are just me and her, and it hurts my heart so bad to think that she could've thought i didn't love her, or that ashton was my "favorite". i love her so much it hurts. sometimes it's hard to breath; sometimes it's hard to think rationally; and sometimes it's a job just to be alive. some of her clothes still smell like her, and i can remember where we were the day she wore specific outfits, and i try to remember...was i good to her that day? did i tell her i loved her? did i scold her for anything when she wore this little dress? did she cuddle me and love on me and giggle and be silly in that t-shirt? it gets harder and harder to remember all the little details that made her so wonderful and sweet and special. i try to hear her laughing, and sometimes i can, sometimes i can't. i try to hear her talking and singing or even crying and throwing a fit, and sometimes i can, sometimes i can't. i just miss her. i wanna touch her and hug her and kiss her and cuddle her, but i can't. and it seems that it would get a little easier, but it hasn't. it just drags on and on and on with the crying and anger and sadness and everything else that goes with it. and i've tried to just accept this as my life now, but i'm not sure i can b/c when you get right down to it, i want my baby back, and i'm not gonna get her back, and i'm not sure that i can accept that fate for myself, even though i know it's the truth. i just need someone to please tell me what to do to be ok again. i just want to be ok. i want my pootie, and i want us to have fun again, and i want us to be ok.

zeaui and bella

i've never really been a big animal lover, but i've had my share of dogs. it never works out though, and we end up giving them away. well when my zeaui passed away 6 months ago, i was looking for anything to make me feel better, and a friend of mine who breeds dogs said she just had puppies, and we could have one. i got very excited, not to replace my daughter with a dog, of course, but to have something to cuddle with and love on and give me a few smiles. well, when it came time to take the puppy, i saw that she had a brother that looked just like her...twins. i couldn't resist taking both of them for sentimental reasons. i know it may not sound healthy to some for me to get twin dogs b/c i no longer have twin babies, but when you lose a child, there is no telling what straws you will grasp at just to hold on to your sanity. i named them bella and baldwin. well, yesterday, bella got run over right in front of our house. the people didn't even stop even though we were all outside...they just kept going. what made it harder was that she didn't die immediately, so she had to suffer for about 30 minutes before she finally passed. we tried to call the vet and their personal number, but couldn't get a hold of anyone, so mark was going to do it himself. i couldn't stand the thought of him doing it, but i really couldn't stand letting her lie in the garage suffering. by the time he got the stuff ready to do it, she had passed on her own. i'm sad that she's gone...even sadder that she suffered, but thankful that mark didn't have to "take her to the country". micah said it best when she said, "it's just like adding insult to injury". it would still be sad had i not lost my zeaui, but given the situation, bella held a very special place in my heart. she was given to me as a gift in hopes that she would bring some joy in my life when everything else is so horribly wrong, and now she's gone. we buried her on mark's dad's land last night. ashton doesn't really understand, but even he notices how sad baldwin is without her. he says, "mommy, he cwyin'. whas wong? mommy, he cwyin'". i miss my bella, and even more, i miss my zeaui.