today had been ok, but i feel a break-down coming on. i can't stop thinking about my sweet little girl, and how i wasn't there when she needed me the most. i know that she's in a better place, and i know that she's ok now, but i would give anything to have her here with me instead. i don't doubt that these are normal feelings, i just wish that i didn't have to find out for myself how horrible and miserable it is to lose a child. i here her laugh in my head all day, and i find myself sitting trying to think of things that she did that made me happy, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on the memories instead of sinking into sadness and despair. so, i thought maybe i should sit and write some memories, and maybe it will alleviate some of the pain for now.
i remember how she use to hug her brother and give him a kiss. they would hug and then try to walk while hugging, and when they fell on top of each other, they would just laugh and get up and do it again. they loved each other so much! they would sit in the back seat and scream back and forth at each other, not fighting, but playing, and they would start laughing so hard that it became squeals instead of giggles. i miss that. about a week before she died, i put them in the car ran back in the house to get my stuff, and when i got back, they had locked me out of the car. of course, i was in a panic, but they thought it was hilarious. they just sat in the car having a big ol' party and drinking my coke while i stood outside begging them to let me in. finally the girl next door came over to help me beg, and zeaui finally rolled the window down when i asked her for my phone. oh, they were in so much trouble!
every time i would go to the bathroom, she would follow me, and she would point to the scale and say, "wanna weigh?" and she would weigh, and i would make a big deal about what a big girl she was, and when i was finished using the bathroom, she would say, "wanna fwush?", and she would run and flush the toilet for me. and oh, she had an attitude! she would say, "wanna go ouside?", and if you didn't let her, she would fold her little arms across her chest and just stare at you, all the while sucking on her paci furiously. i never thought i would long for that attitude so badly! she loved to sit at the computer and point at pictures...she would say, "that's a zeaui, that's a mommy, that's a daddy, that's a ah-toe (ashton)". when she would draw, she would write u's all over everything, so i could always tell who was writing on the furniture. they were the most beautiful u's i have ever seen. as soon as we would walk in the house, she would start stripping off her clothes...she loved to run around in her undies. i could ask her where's your nose, ears, eyes, lips, teeth, arms, legs, feet, toes, hands, fingers, hair and forehead, and she would point to them and say what they were...she was so smart. one time she was pointing to my t-shirt asking "what's that? what's that? what's that?" (her favorite question), and she pointed to an "o", and i said, "it's an o", and she said, "no, it's a boob". i laughed and said, "that's an o", and she said, "no, it's a boob". of course, that's what it was, but i didn't realize she knew what she was pointing at. we laughed about that for weeks. it always made me laugh how much she ate, but she was so tall and skinny. you would never guess that she ate probably twice as much as ashton. she loved to talk on the phone when nobody was on the other end, but if you called somebody for her to talk, she would just look at you like you were a fool, "like what do you want me to do with that?". she would come get me and say, "wanna sack, wanna sack?". i finally figured out she wanted a sNack when she grabbed me by the finger and took me to the cabinet where she knew i kept the goodie tupperware. she had the most beautiful hair. it was down to her shoulder blades, and she had the sweetest little pony tail. she had a stuffed puppy that grammy gave her, and i gave it to her to sleep with one night. she decided it was a pillow, and from then on, she couldn't sleep without her puppy, which she called maggie, and a blanket. most times she and ashton would get out of bed, grab their puppies and blankies and get in the floor to sleep. she didn't go anywhere without that puppy. if we went anywhere right after they woke up, she would grab her puppy and a blankie to take with her in the car. i loved her little arm pits. i know that's odd, but they were the most precious little arm pits i've ever seen. i would lift her arm up and say, "i see your pits!", and she would laugh and yank her arm down. she thought that was funny. i would say where are your pits, and she would lift her arm up an put her other hand under her arm and immediately put her arm back down before i could get her pit, and then she would just laugh.
i think i'll go to bed now and hope for sweet dreams of her. i pray that God will show her to me so that i know she's ok. i miss her so badly i can hardly stand it. i'll go for now, but there will be more later.
