i haven't been on in a while, reason being that i "thought" i was finally getting past this. that's a laugh isn't it...that i would ever be ok again. with the one year anniversary coming up, i've felt myself slipping into such a sadness that cannot be described. the last month or so, i have had the weirdest dreams about her. i dream regularly that she is still alive, and those dreams i like, and i wake up with a sense of peace...but the others...sometimes i have horrible dreams about her dying again, or coming back to life, but only for a little while until she is ripped from me again. i realize, even in the dream state, that it's not real, like i'm watching a movie, and i wake up, not with a sense of fear or panic, but the most overwhelming sadness that you could possibly imagine. i while back i wrote that it felt as if a 300 lb. man was sitting on my chest, and he never went away. i finally had some relief when all of a sudden one day, the man was gone, and i thought i had finally reached a point of healing. in the last month, the man has returned, only this time he's heavier. i've kept myself busy most of the time recently to try to avoid what's going on in my head and my heart, but it's catching up to me, and sometimes i'm not sure i will make it. it's by the grace of god that i've made it this far, and i know that his grace is still with me, but i am emotionally, mentally and physically spent, and i don't know if i have the energy to go another round with the pain and heartache. i just want my baby back. i know that's an obvious request, but if you think of something that you've wanted or needed the most, and multiply the want or need by a 1,000,000, you still wouldn't be close to how badly i want my daughter back. sometimes it hurts so bad, physically hurts, that it feels like my heart is literally going to explode, and i will drop dead on the spot if something isn't done. everyday ashton acts and looks more like her. not so much his facial features as the expressions that he makes, or the way he pronounces a certain word that sounds just like her. on most days it thrills me that he has so much of her in him, so that i can remember that i still have a piece of her with me, but lately when i look at him, i just want to cry. i love him so much, and i don't feel that i push him away. in fact, if anything, i cling to him tighter, but still there are days when i just want to be left alone and cry for as long as the tears will come, but that's not what moms do. moms are there 24/7 whether they're happy or sad, crying or laughing, hurting or heartbroken. i would never complain about being ashton's mother. he is the only reason i have made it this far, and i love him more than words can say. i love her too, though, and she's gone, and there is nothing that anybody can do to fix it, not ashton, mark, mom, anybody. my baby's gone, and she's never coming back. my heart is broken, and it will never heal. i am so indescribably sad, and i fear that i will never be truly happy again.