one more day

i don't really have a lot to say today, but i just wanted to vent, i guess. this house has so many memories of my baby every where i go. in fact, this town is full of memories. every time i go get a coke, i think of her saying, "wanna coke-o?". when i take ashton to the park, i remember how she played on the slides, and the last time she was there, she fell twice and bumped her little head and skinned her knees. every time i drive by raider park i remember when we went to the fishing hole and she had mud all over her little face as she splashed in the shallow water. every time i go to wal-mart, i hear her say, "what's this, what's this?". when we drive around in the country, and i see cows, i remember how excited she would get to see the "moo-moos". when we go to mcdonald's i remember how excited she got over a "appy meo" (happy meal). i remember how she would say "wanna watch tv?" which meant she wanted to watch a movie. or she would say "wanna watch m-bo" (dumbo) which was her most recent favorite movie. every time ashton grabs a rag and dusts things around the house, i remember how much she loved to help clean. every time i load the dishwasher, i can see her standing there waiting for me to hand her the dishes so she could put them in. every time i do laundry, i hear her squealing in excitement and reaching to sit on top of the dryer so that she could put the clothes in the washer. every time i come into the basement, i see the books that she loved to read and the movies that she loved to watch and the toys that she loved to play with, and it's almost too much to bare. when i go in ashton's room, which use to be her room too, i see her clothes in the closet. her toys are stored in the attic now, which was the logical thing to do, i guess, but when i go in there, i just remember how much of her is gone now. the carpet, her bed, her flowers on the wall, her toys, her little kitchen...it's all gone, and what really sucks about it is that it was the right thing to do. ashton doesn't need flowers on the wall. ashton doesn't play with her baby dolls and kitchen. ashton didn't need her bed. it makes me sad to know that the world doesn't stop because i hurt. people still go to work, kids still play, babies still grow up, everything just keeps going, and i feel stuck in the same place, screaming for the rest of the world to care that my baby is gone and that my heart is broken. i guess it's selfish to want the world to stop, but i don't care. i don't want pity, and i don't want a pat on the back for surviving something so horrible, i just want my baby to have recognition for what a beautiful, sweet, loving, funny little girl she was. i almost feel like i should be punished for letting such a wonderful creation be taken from the earth. she loved me so much, and she trusted me, and when she needed me i wasn't there. that's what hurts the most. i know that bad things happen, and i've heard everybody say, "it's not your fault", but it doesn't change the fact that my baby's gone, and i could have stopped it if i had known. i don't believe that God needed another angel, and i don't believe that we are being punished for something that we've done, and i don't believe that God picks the prettiest flowers, so he picked her. i just believe that accidents happen, and this one could have been prevented had i been there, or if we had better locks on the door, or if we had put a gate around the pool. moral of the story is...hold on to your babies tight, and don't ever let them go. let them have fun, but don't be naive about what can happen to them when you're not paying close enough attention. love them with your whole heart, and make sure you hug and kiss them every day, and make sure you tell them every chance you get how much you love them and need them, because you never know when they could be taken from you.

funny girl

my friend heidi actually commented about this memory, and it happens to be one of my favorite, so i thought i would share. at the time she did this, i was half furious, and half amused. thinking back on it now, it is one of my favorite memories. somehow, a sharpie infiltrated into their bedroom, and they had a hay day. i'm pretty sure she did all of the writing since she was covered and ashton had minimal markings. it was one of those situations that you don't know whether to laugh or yell. i'm glad i have memories and pictures like these to remind me of what a character she was.

another day without my pootie

today had been ok, but i feel a break-down coming on. i can't stop thinking about my sweet little girl, and how i wasn't there when she needed me the most. i know that she's in a better place, and i know that she's ok now, but i would give anything to have her here with me instead. i don't doubt that these are normal feelings, i just wish that i didn't have to find out for myself how horrible and miserable it is to lose a child. i here her laugh in my head all day, and i find myself sitting trying to think of things that she did that made me happy, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on the memories instead of sinking into sadness and despair. so, i thought maybe i should sit and write some memories, and maybe it will alleviate some of the pain for now.

i remember how she use to hug her brother and give him a kiss. they would hug and then try to walk while hugging, and when they fell on top of each other, they would just laugh and get up and do it again. they loved each other so much! they would sit in the back seat and scream back and forth at each other, not fighting, but playing, and they would start laughing so hard that it became squeals instead of giggles. i miss that. about a week before she died, i put them in the car ran back in the house to get my stuff, and when i got back, they had locked me out of the car. of course, i was in a panic, but they thought it was hilarious. they just sat in the car having a big ol' party and drinking my coke while i stood outside begging them to let me in. finally the girl next door came over to help me beg, and zeaui finally rolled the window down when i asked her for my phone. oh, they were in so much trouble!

every time i would go to the bathroom, she would follow me, and she would point to the scale and say, "wanna weigh?" and she would weigh, and i would make a big deal about what a big girl she was, and when i was finished using the bathroom, she would say, "wanna fwush?", and she would run and flush the toilet for me. and oh, she had an attitude! she would say, "wanna go ouside?", and if you didn't let her, she would fold her little arms across her chest and just stare at you, all the while sucking on her paci furiously. i never thought i would long for that attitude so badly! she loved to sit at the computer and point at pictures...she would say, "that's a zeaui, that's a mommy, that's a daddy, that's a ah-toe (ashton)". when she would draw, she would write u's all over everything, so i could always tell who was writing on the furniture. they were the most beautiful u's i have ever seen. as soon as we would walk in the house, she would start stripping off her clothes...she loved to run around in her undies. i could ask her where's your nose, ears, eyes, lips, teeth, arms, legs, feet, toes, hands, fingers, hair and forehead, and she would point to them and say what they were...she was so smart. one time she was pointing to my t-shirt asking "what's that? what's that? what's that?" (her favorite question), and she pointed to an "o", and i said, "it's an o", and she said, "no, it's a boob". i laughed and said, "that's an o", and she said, "no, it's a boob". of course, that's what it was, but i didn't realize she knew what she was pointing at. we laughed about that for weeks. it always made me laugh how much she ate, but she was so tall and skinny. you would never guess that she ate probably twice as much as ashton. she loved to talk on the phone when nobody was on the other end, but if you called somebody for her to talk, she would just look at you like you were a fool, "like what do you want me to do with that?". she would come get me and say, "wanna sack, wanna sack?". i finally figured out she wanted a sNack when she grabbed me by the finger and took me to the cabinet where she knew i kept the goodie tupperware. she had the most beautiful hair. it was down to her shoulder blades, and she had the sweetest little pony tail. she had a stuffed puppy that grammy gave her, and i gave it to her to sleep with one night. she decided it was a pillow, and from then on, she couldn't sleep without her puppy, which she called maggie, and a blanket. most times she and ashton would get out of bed, grab their puppies and blankies and get in the floor to sleep. she didn't go anywhere without that puppy. if we went anywhere right after they woke up, she would grab her puppy and a blankie to take with her in the car. i loved her little arm pits. i know that's odd, but they were the most precious little arm pits i've ever seen. i would lift her arm up and say, "i see your pits!", and she would laugh and yank her arm down. she thought that was funny. i would say where are your pits, and she would lift her arm up an put her other hand under her arm and immediately put her arm back down before i could get her pit, and then she would just laugh.

i think i'll go to bed now and hope for sweet dreams of her. i pray that God will show her to me so that i know she's ok. i miss her so badly i can hardly stand it. i'll go for now, but there will be more later.

my sweet baby girl

obviously you all know what has happened by now. my heart breaks for my sweet little angel every day, and i don't think anyone can imagine what a lonely feeling it is to all of a sudden be without one of your children. my older brother jason text messaged me an interesting question yesterday..."what do you miss most about your daughter today?" i was taken back by the question at first, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that it felt so much better to think about how funny she was, and how loving she was, and what a joy she was to be around than to sit and dwell on what happened and how broken i really am right now. so i have dedicated this blog to my beautiful little girl who was, along with ashton, my reason for living, and in honor of her memory i will keep living my life and raising her twin brother in a way that would make her proud. feel free to include your stories about her as well. let's all do what we can to keep her beautiful memory alive in all of our hearts. to my sweet little pootie, i love you and i always will.