i haven't been on in a while, reason being that i "thought" i was finally getting past this. that's a laugh isn't it...that i would ever be ok again. with the one year anniversary coming up, i've felt myself slipping into such a sadness that cannot be described. the last month or so, i have had the weirdest dreams about her. i dream regularly that she is still alive, and those dreams i like, and i wake up with a sense of peace...but the others...sometimes i have horrible dreams about her dying again, or coming back to life, but only for a little while until she is ripped from me again. i realize, even in the dream state, that it's not real, like i'm watching a movie, and i wake up, not with a sense of fear or panic, but the most overwhelming sadness that you could possibly imagine. i while back i wrote that it felt as if a 300 lb. man was sitting on my chest, and he never went away. i finally had some relief when all of a sudden one day, the man was gone, and i thought i had finally reached a point of healing. in the last month, the man has returned, only this time he's heavier. i've kept myself busy most of the time recently to try to avoid what's going on in my head and my heart, but it's catching up to me, and sometimes i'm not sure i will make it. it's by the grace of god that i've made it this far, and i know that his grace is still with me, but i am emotionally, mentally and physically spent, and i don't know if i have the energy to go another round with the pain and heartache. i just want my baby back. i know that's an obvious request, but if you think of something that you've wanted or needed the most, and multiply the want or need by a 1,000,000, you still wouldn't be close to how badly i want my daughter back. sometimes it hurts so bad, physically hurts, that it feels like my heart is literally going to explode, and i will drop dead on the spot if something isn't done. everyday ashton acts and looks more like her. not so much his facial features as the expressions that he makes, or the way he pronounces a certain word that sounds just like her. on most days it thrills me that he has so much of her in him, so that i can remember that i still have a piece of her with me, but lately when i look at him, i just want to cry. i love him so much, and i don't feel that i push him away. in fact, if anything, i cling to him tighter, but still there are days when i just want to be left alone and cry for as long as the tears will come, but that's not what moms do. moms are there 24/7 whether they're happy or sad, crying or laughing, hurting or heartbroken. i would never complain about being ashton's mother. he is the only reason i have made it this far, and i love him more than words can say. i love her too, though, and she's gone, and there is nothing that anybody can do to fix it, not ashton, mark, mom, anybody. my baby's gone, and she's never coming back. my heart is broken, and it will never heal. i am so indescribably sad, and i fear that i will never be truly happy again.

definition of sadness...

the last couple of days, i've felt it coming on...the sadness, grief, all that fun stuff that you get little breaks from every now and then. well, my break is over. only this time it feels as if it just happened yesterday. and on the other hand, it seems she's been gone for so long. i'm so frazzled right now that i can barely type, and i don't know what to do to fix it. i took all the pictures down and got all of her clothes and a few dolls out of the closet and laid it all out in the living room so i could look at her and look at who she was before i let this horrible thing happen to this sweet little girl. how could i have let something like this happen? how could i let one of the most beautiful things that god ever created be taken from us? i feel like i have betrayed her, her brother, my husband, myself, and i feel like i've betrayed god...he gave me two of the sweetest most precious little people ever, and all he asked was that i take care of them and raise them well and love them with my whole heart. and i couldn't pull it off. i let that beautiful little girl die a scary lonely death while she was probably screaming for me, and i couldn't hear her. and in her poor little head she didn't understand why mommy didn't come and save her. why didn't mommy wanna save me? i worry so much that she thought i didn't llove her enough, when in all actuallity, i loved her more than anything. i don't know what to do without her. i'm lost. i miss her so much. i'm sitting here going through pictures, and in most of them i'm holding ashton and my husband is holding her. i have found very few that are just me and her, and it hurts my heart so bad to think that she could've thought i didn't love her, or that ashton was my "favorite". i love her so much it hurts. sometimes it's hard to breath; sometimes it's hard to think rationally; and sometimes it's a job just to be alive. some of her clothes still smell like her, and i can remember where we were the day she wore specific outfits, and i try to remember...was i good to her that day? did i tell her i loved her? did i scold her for anything when she wore this little dress? did she cuddle me and love on me and giggle and be silly in that t-shirt? it gets harder and harder to remember all the little details that made her so wonderful and sweet and special. i try to hear her laughing, and sometimes i can, sometimes i can't. i try to hear her talking and singing or even crying and throwing a fit, and sometimes i can, sometimes i can't. i just miss her. i wanna touch her and hug her and kiss her and cuddle her, but i can't. and it seems that it would get a little easier, but it hasn't. it just drags on and on and on with the crying and anger and sadness and everything else that goes with it. and i've tried to just accept this as my life now, but i'm not sure i can b/c when you get right down to it, i want my baby back, and i'm not gonna get her back, and i'm not sure that i can accept that fate for myself, even though i know it's the truth. i just need someone to please tell me what to do to be ok again. i just want to be ok. i want my pootie, and i want us to have fun again, and i want us to be ok.

zeaui and bella

i've never really been a big animal lover, but i've had my share of dogs. it never works out though, and we end up giving them away. well when my zeaui passed away 6 months ago, i was looking for anything to make me feel better, and a friend of mine who breeds dogs said she just had puppies, and we could have one. i got very excited, not to replace my daughter with a dog, of course, but to have something to cuddle with and love on and give me a few smiles. well, when it came time to take the puppy, i saw that she had a brother that looked just like her...twins. i couldn't resist taking both of them for sentimental reasons. i know it may not sound healthy to some for me to get twin dogs b/c i no longer have twin babies, but when you lose a child, there is no telling what straws you will grasp at just to hold on to your sanity. i named them bella and baldwin. well, yesterday, bella got run over right in front of our house. the people didn't even stop even though we were all outside...they just kept going. what made it harder was that she didn't die immediately, so she had to suffer for about 30 minutes before she finally passed. we tried to call the vet and their personal number, but couldn't get a hold of anyone, so mark was going to do it himself. i couldn't stand the thought of him doing it, but i really couldn't stand letting her lie in the garage suffering. by the time he got the stuff ready to do it, she had passed on her own. i'm sad that she's gone...even sadder that she suffered, but thankful that mark didn't have to "take her to the country". micah said it best when she said, "it's just like adding insult to injury". it would still be sad had i not lost my zeaui, but given the situation, bella held a very special place in my heart. she was given to me as a gift in hopes that she would bring some joy in my life when everything else is so horribly wrong, and now she's gone. we buried her on mark's dad's land last night. ashton doesn't really understand, but even he notices how sad baldwin is without her. he says, "mommy, he cwyin'. whas wong? mommy, he cwyin'". i miss my bella, and even more, i miss my zeaui.

well, i was having a pity party last night (my birthday), and i decided i wanted to go sit at the cemetery with my baby girl, but the gates were already locked. so, me being the "rebel" that i am (hahahaha), squeezed between the brick wall and the gate (if you've ever seen me, you'll know that was no small task seeing that my boobs are, well, huge) and sat with my pootie. i had only been there about 10 minutes when a cop showed up. so i went to the gate, and he said that he had gotten a call that there was a car sitting at the cemetery and it looked suspicious, which made me laugh. he asked what i was doing there. i said "i just wanted to come sit with my daughter". he was obviously a little confused and asked, "ok...is your daughter out there?" i was thinking, duh, why else would i have come out here to sit with her, but i didn't say anything b/c he seemed really nice and wasn't being rude at all. so he asked where she was and what her name was and what my name was, and he said "well, they lock these gates for a reason...i'm not really sure what that reason is b/c i don't see a problem with you sitting out here if that makes you feel better, but those are the rules, so i can't let you sit out here." about that time i started crying, which i'm sure made him feel like doo-doo, and i said "i'm sorry. i just had a really bad birthday, and i just wanted to come sit with my daughter." he said he understood, and he wished he could let me sit out there, but he just couldn't. so i said, still crying, "ok, well i squeezed in, i'll squeeze back out." he wished me a good evening and told me thank you and he was sorry, and that was that. thinking about it today, it makes me laugh that i actually busted into a locked cemetery...i think i've finally flipped my lid. what makes it even funnier is that it's gonna be in the newspaper tomorrow since the cops were responding to a call...i'm gonna frame it, i think. anyway, that's my big story for the day.

i want my baby back!!!

there are no other words for what i'm feeling right now...i just want my baby back! i don't know what to do about this horrible, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach to fix this and make it right, and then the realization, once again, that there is absolutely nothing i can do about it...nothing! how could i have been so stupid to have let that beautiful little girl be taken from me? am i really that horrible of a mother, that one of the two most precious little people who trusted me the most has been taken from me, and i can never have her back? is this my punishment for not being good enough? logic tells me that it's not my fault, and this is not God's way of saying, "maybe that will teach you". i know in my head that it was just an accident, and accidents happen every day, but my heart doesn't want to hear it. my heart wants nothing to do with logic or rationality. my heart only deals in sadness, grief, pain and anger...and logic plays no part in it. i miss her so much that my heart literally hurts...it hurts!!! the only way to describe the pain of losing my precious baby is to say that it feels like a 350 pound man is sitting on my chest. it's a physical pain, but not. my airways are not constricted, yet it's a struggle to breath. there is nothing physically wrong with my heart, still i feel that it may explode at any given second. she is the first thought in my head when i wake up, and the memories of that day are what keep me awake at night. it isn't enough that she's not here with me anymore, no...i have to relive it in my head every single day all day what my baby must have gone through while waiting for her mommy to come save her. it is unbearable to think of her calling, no, screaming for me to come for her, fighting for her life with no one to help her. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry!!!!!!! i miss her so much, i can't stand it. and every day, i wake up, again, to the heart-stopping realization that she's gone, and i'm still here without her. i loved her so much. i never knew that my heart could have so much love for somebody until i laid eyes on those two sweet babies. and i never knew that my heart could hurt so badly until one of them was taken away. some days it just seems it would be easier to stay in bed for the rest of my life, and whatever happens happens, but i know i can't do that, b/c i have another precious little boy who trusts me and depends on me, and i refuse to ever let him feel like i'm not there for him or that he can't trust me...i refuse! those babies are the loves of my life, and i just don't know what to do without my other 1/3. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her. i miss her...i miss my baby! i want my baby back, please, i want my baby back!

mommy to one?

people never could understand how i could handle 2 kids at one time, and the answer is this...it was actually easier!!! i don't know how to be just ashton's mommy. they kept each other entertained, and now that he doesn't have that, it seems like he is more irritable and cranky. i take him to the park and play with him and have our usual q.t., but it just never feels like enough. i feel like a horrible mother b/c i can't fix everything for him. i can play with him and be silly and all that, but i'm not 2 years old...it's not the same. it just seems like no matter what i do, it's not good enough. i don't really know what i could do differently, but this isn't working. i know he has a rough time with things too, and i just don't know how i can make it better for him when i am such a mess myself. i'm pretty sure he hates me for not saving his best friend and sister, and i don't know how to regain his trust and love. i wish i could make his world perfect again!!!

on another note...mark and i are doing fine. we have our arguments and fights, but for all we've been through, i think we are doing exceptionally well. he handles things by working constantly, and i handle them by talking and typing usually, and then some days, i just feel like having a breakdown. those days are the hardest b/c mark feels like i need my space, but what i want is for him to be sad with me so we can comfort each other. we finally talked about it, and i think he understands now that i need him, not my space. one day, after running some nosy people out of the cemetery, i came home drank a couple of glasses of wine, went to the back yard and sat on the deck in the rain with my feet hanging over the side where the pool use to be. it was raining so hard that i actually got cold, but it felt so good to sit in that spot with the rain washing over me and just cry! it sounds so cheesey, but that day, i felt like the rain actually washed away some of the pain. that was the first time i had actually been in the back yard since all of this happened, and after sitting in that spot letting the tears come and the rain wash them away, i felt a sort of peace with my back yard. i know that sounds silly, but my back yard and i haven't been on good terms in a while, and it's an important part of our home, and ashton's favorite place to play, and it holds so many good memories of better times. i miss the joy that our back yard use to hold. after my little breakdown in the rain, i felt like i could finally let that part of all of this go, and a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and i felt somewhat peaceful for the first time in a while. as i was sitting out there in the rain, mark came out to check on me (he let me sit alone for a while), and he put his arms around me from behind and just hugged me. we sat out there together until it quit raining, and finally he said, "honey, i'm getting ate up with these mosquitos, why don't we go in the house". and i said "ok", and for the first time since this whole thing happened, i really did feel "ok" about walking away. he helped me up and hugged me, and we went in the house together, and for the first time in this whole mess, i didn't feel alone, even if for that one second, i wasn't alone.

music

sad again...will this ever go away? i have a sneaking suspicion it will not, but i can only hope it will get easier. anyway, as you all probably know, music is my biggest outlet and escape. no matter how i am feeling, i can always find a song or two to delve into and express myself. it's amazing how someone can write a song that can mean so many different things to so many different people, and when you pick them apart you can always find a bit of yourself in most songs. so, to try to make myself feel a little better, i decided to write (type) out a few pieces from a few songs that describe me today...

"i'll sing it one last time for you, and then we really have to go. you've been the only thing that's good in all i've done...light up, light up as if you have a choice. even if you can't always hear my voice, i'll be right beside you dear." (this is what will be on the back of my baby's headstone...i couldn't have said how i feel about my babies better than this song says it for me)

"run" snowpatrol

"love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

"hallelujah" rufus wainwright

"if i should die this very day, don't cry because on earth we weren't meant to stay, and no matter what the people say, i'll be waiting for you at the judgement day...your love is my love and my love is your love. it would take an eternity to break us, and the chains of amestad couldn't hold us."

"your love is my love" whitney houston

"i've got sunshine on a cloudy day. when it's cold outside i've got the month of may. i guess you'd say what can make me feel this way...my girl" (just thought i would throw that one in there...i used to sing it to her, and she loved it.)

"my girl" the temptations

i guess that's all the songs for now. i could write on and on about music, but really it would just be a distraction from the pain right now, and tonight is one of those nights i really don't want to forget how bad it hurts. i just want to sit and cry. i tried to go to the cememtery a few minutes ago, knowing the gates would be closed for the night, but hoping maybe they forgot to shut one of them. i just want to sit in the dark with my baby girl and cry for the rest of the night, and i would have had that stupid gate been open, but, of course, it wasn't. so now i'm sitting here in my room typing and crying and wishing that i could go back in time and bring my pootie back. anyway, i guess that's all for tonight. i love you all, and thank you for reading my blogs.

one more day

i don't really have a lot to say today, but i just wanted to vent, i guess. this house has so many memories of my baby every where i go. in fact, this town is full of memories. every time i go get a coke, i think of her saying, "wanna coke-o?". when i take ashton to the park, i remember how she played on the slides, and the last time she was there, she fell twice and bumped her little head and skinned her knees. every time i drive by raider park i remember when we went to the fishing hole and she had mud all over her little face as she splashed in the shallow water. every time i go to wal-mart, i hear her say, "what's this, what's this?". when we drive around in the country, and i see cows, i remember how excited she would get to see the "moo-moos". when we go to mcdonald's i remember how excited she got over a "appy meo" (happy meal). i remember how she would say "wanna watch tv?" which meant she wanted to watch a movie. or she would say "wanna watch m-bo" (dumbo) which was her most recent favorite movie. every time ashton grabs a rag and dusts things around the house, i remember how much she loved to help clean. every time i load the dishwasher, i can see her standing there waiting for me to hand her the dishes so she could put them in. every time i do laundry, i hear her squealing in excitement and reaching to sit on top of the dryer so that she could put the clothes in the washer. every time i come into the basement, i see the books that she loved to read and the movies that she loved to watch and the toys that she loved to play with, and it's almost too much to bare. when i go in ashton's room, which use to be her room too, i see her clothes in the closet. her toys are stored in the attic now, which was the logical thing to do, i guess, but when i go in there, i just remember how much of her is gone now. the carpet, her bed, her flowers on the wall, her toys, her little kitchen...it's all gone, and what really sucks about it is that it was the right thing to do. ashton doesn't need flowers on the wall. ashton doesn't play with her baby dolls and kitchen. ashton didn't need her bed. it makes me sad to know that the world doesn't stop because i hurt. people still go to work, kids still play, babies still grow up, everything just keeps going, and i feel stuck in the same place, screaming for the rest of the world to care that my baby is gone and that my heart is broken. i guess it's selfish to want the world to stop, but i don't care. i don't want pity, and i don't want a pat on the back for surviving something so horrible, i just want my baby to have recognition for what a beautiful, sweet, loving, funny little girl she was. i almost feel like i should be punished for letting such a wonderful creation be taken from the earth. she loved me so much, and she trusted me, and when she needed me i wasn't there. that's what hurts the most. i know that bad things happen, and i've heard everybody say, "it's not your fault", but it doesn't change the fact that my baby's gone, and i could have stopped it if i had known. i don't believe that God needed another angel, and i don't believe that we are being punished for something that we've done, and i don't believe that God picks the prettiest flowers, so he picked her. i just believe that accidents happen, and this one could have been prevented had i been there, or if we had better locks on the door, or if we had put a gate around the pool. moral of the story is...hold on to your babies tight, and don't ever let them go. let them have fun, but don't be naive about what can happen to them when you're not paying close enough attention. love them with your whole heart, and make sure you hug and kiss them every day, and make sure you tell them every chance you get how much you love them and need them, because you never know when they could be taken from you.

funny girl

my friend heidi actually commented about this memory, and it happens to be one of my favorite, so i thought i would share. at the time she did this, i was half furious, and half amused. thinking back on it now, it is one of my favorite memories. somehow, a sharpie infiltrated into their bedroom, and they had a hay day. i'm pretty sure she did all of the writing since she was covered and ashton had minimal markings. it was one of those situations that you don't know whether to laugh or yell. i'm glad i have memories and pictures like these to remind me of what a character she was.

another day without my pootie

today had been ok, but i feel a break-down coming on. i can't stop thinking about my sweet little girl, and how i wasn't there when she needed me the most. i know that she's in a better place, and i know that she's ok now, but i would give anything to have her here with me instead. i don't doubt that these are normal feelings, i just wish that i didn't have to find out for myself how horrible and miserable it is to lose a child. i here her laugh in my head all day, and i find myself sitting trying to think of things that she did that made me happy, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on the memories instead of sinking into sadness and despair. so, i thought maybe i should sit and write some memories, and maybe it will alleviate some of the pain for now.

i remember how she use to hug her brother and give him a kiss. they would hug and then try to walk while hugging, and when they fell on top of each other, they would just laugh and get up and do it again. they loved each other so much! they would sit in the back seat and scream back and forth at each other, not fighting, but playing, and they would start laughing so hard that it became squeals instead of giggles. i miss that. about a week before she died, i put them in the car ran back in the house to get my stuff, and when i got back, they had locked me out of the car. of course, i was in a panic, but they thought it was hilarious. they just sat in the car having a big ol' party and drinking my coke while i stood outside begging them to let me in. finally the girl next door came over to help me beg, and zeaui finally rolled the window down when i asked her for my phone. oh, they were in so much trouble!

every time i would go to the bathroom, she would follow me, and she would point to the scale and say, "wanna weigh?" and she would weigh, and i would make a big deal about what a big girl she was, and when i was finished using the bathroom, she would say, "wanna fwush?", and she would run and flush the toilet for me. and oh, she had an attitude! she would say, "wanna go ouside?", and if you didn't let her, she would fold her little arms across her chest and just stare at you, all the while sucking on her paci furiously. i never thought i would long for that attitude so badly! she loved to sit at the computer and point at pictures...she would say, "that's a zeaui, that's a mommy, that's a daddy, that's a ah-toe (ashton)". when she would draw, she would write u's all over everything, so i could always tell who was writing on the furniture. they were the most beautiful u's i have ever seen. as soon as we would walk in the house, she would start stripping off her clothes...she loved to run around in her undies. i could ask her where's your nose, ears, eyes, lips, teeth, arms, legs, feet, toes, hands, fingers, hair and forehead, and she would point to them and say what they were...she was so smart. one time she was pointing to my t-shirt asking "what's that? what's that? what's that?" (her favorite question), and she pointed to an "o", and i said, "it's an o", and she said, "no, it's a boob". i laughed and said, "that's an o", and she said, "no, it's a boob". of course, that's what it was, but i didn't realize she knew what she was pointing at. we laughed about that for weeks. it always made me laugh how much she ate, but she was so tall and skinny. you would never guess that she ate probably twice as much as ashton. she loved to talk on the phone when nobody was on the other end, but if you called somebody for her to talk, she would just look at you like you were a fool, "like what do you want me to do with that?". she would come get me and say, "wanna sack, wanna sack?". i finally figured out she wanted a sNack when she grabbed me by the finger and took me to the cabinet where she knew i kept the goodie tupperware. she had the most beautiful hair. it was down to her shoulder blades, and she had the sweetest little pony tail. she had a stuffed puppy that grammy gave her, and i gave it to her to sleep with one night. she decided it was a pillow, and from then on, she couldn't sleep without her puppy, which she called maggie, and a blanket. most times she and ashton would get out of bed, grab their puppies and blankies and get in the floor to sleep. she didn't go anywhere without that puppy. if we went anywhere right after they woke up, she would grab her puppy and a blankie to take with her in the car. i loved her little arm pits. i know that's odd, but they were the most precious little arm pits i've ever seen. i would lift her arm up and say, "i see your pits!", and she would laugh and yank her arm down. she thought that was funny. i would say where are your pits, and she would lift her arm up an put her other hand under her arm and immediately put her arm back down before i could get her pit, and then she would just laugh.

i think i'll go to bed now and hope for sweet dreams of her. i pray that God will show her to me so that i know she's ok. i miss her so badly i can hardly stand it. i'll go for now, but there will be more later.

my sweet baby girl

obviously you all know what has happened by now. my heart breaks for my sweet little angel every day, and i don't think anyone can imagine what a lonely feeling it is to all of a sudden be without one of your children. my older brother jason text messaged me an interesting question yesterday..."what do you miss most about your daughter today?" i was taken back by the question at first, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that it felt so much better to think about how funny she was, and how loving she was, and what a joy she was to be around than to sit and dwell on what happened and how broken i really am right now. so i have dedicated this blog to my beautiful little girl who was, along with ashton, my reason for living, and in honor of her memory i will keep living my life and raising her twin brother in a way that would make her proud. feel free to include your stories about her as well. let's all do what we can to keep her beautiful memory alive in all of our hearts. to my sweet little pootie, i love you and i always will.